Where the pee have I been? School starts next week and everyone else mentions how they're going to school and I have to stop and remind myself that "Oh, yes, that," is fastly approaching. I need books, I need tuition money, I kind of need to focus and remind myself that hey, school may actually matter. But I don't think it should matter until I know what I want to do. I was in the information meeting about the classes I'd need to take to graduate with a degree in mass communication and I kept thinking, "this is exceptionally boring. I don't think any of this interests me." That can't be good. I'm into my second year of college, should I have picked something out by now? I don't want to be one of those students in their fourth year of school because they had barely picked their ideal career.
I had to drop a class just to afford tuition. I was very sad about it. It was intro to anthropology and an online class. I could have done pretty well, I believe. But because tuition was just over $2,000 for fall semester (and I'm only going part time anyway), I dropped it. Now I'm at seven credit hours with only two classes. They look interesting enough, but I don't know why I'm frustrated I had to drop the one class. Normally, I would be stoked I could remove one class from my life. I should be happy because, well you know me, I don't enjoy school. But intro to anthropology! C'mon!
At any rate, my car is still working wonders on my happiness. I feel so free, liberated. A long, looong time ago I came up with the philosophy that the two greatest things in the world are liberation and confidence. It still holds strong. Add true love into the mix and if that doesn't make one exceptionally beyond a doubt happy, there's something wrong with you.
The clock is about to strike 5:00. Next week I change to 8:00-4:00 from 9:00-5:00. Then school from 6:00-9:00 in the evenings. When's play time?
Speaking of which, Zack is moving out within the next two weeks. I'm so excited for him. Yet very jealous. My parents have been looking at houses closer to downtown with a mother-in-law apartment for me to live in. Sounds pretty good actually. It'd be nice to have some freedom (like I don't have any. I don't have a curfew, my parents are pretty lax about how I spend my time). Hopefully it'll be before the end of the year, a change would be nice.
And next week, I'm sure I'll get it.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I Want To Thank You
Monday, August 11, 2008
Crazy random happenstance
Alright, my last post was a bit hasty. But in my defense, I was crazy-excited over my new car. Good news, I bought it all by myself. I was approved for loans and everything without a co-signer and it's my responsibility. I'm on my own insurance and I get to make my own payments. The bad news: It's my responsibility. I'm on my own for this one. It'll be tough, but I think I can do it.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
My New Baby!
Check out my new baby! An '02 Outback, I love it! I bought it all by myself! It's gonna be a pain to pay off though! GO ME!!!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Stressy Stress
I once again feel…stuck, lost. I hate feeling this way. Lately I feel like everything’s been on my own. And I hate that. I’ve been looking at cars because I need one for when school starts, and looking for cars is frustrating. There’s so many, I don’t know where to look. Not only that, but trying to figure out a loan situation is so hard. I just have to set time aside to get all that sorted out.
But that is difficult to do. Linnea graciously loaned Zack her car for a week while he gets things sorted out. Since I don’t drive, he has to take me places and I can’t always rely on him to take me where I need to go. Speaking of which, he has a place to live, so he gets to move out in a week or two. That’s…great. Great great great. I’m just jealous. I want to move out so bad but it’s not responsible for me to do right now and it doesn’t feel fair. My parents have been looking at condos and townhouses and I get this feeling that there’s a move in the near future but if my parents decide to move I don’t want to go with them. It just doesn’t seem very cool to me to move to a new place then desire so badly to live by myself.
I don’t know, that and the stress of registering for school and money it just…everything is so difficult right now and I just need to find some way to take care of myself.
Any advice? Words of wisdom? Jokes?
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Seattle 2008 pt. 2
Seattle 2008 pt. 1
I finally returned from my trip around eight this morning. I was supposed to be home Monday night, but as you can see, it's Wednesday. I'll get to that in a moment but let me tell you about my trip!
Zack and I packed up and left on the 5th and drove all day and rested in Troutdale, Oregon. We stayed in a gross Motel 6 and set out the following day for Bellevue, Washington, where his dad and step-mom live. I must say driving through that part of Oregon was beautiful, but Washington should be my real home. I love it there, the water, the forest, it's gorgeous and it calls to me.
We got to his parents house and relaxed for a few days and played with Andrew, Zack's younger brother (by younger I mean Andrew is 1 year old). I was introduced to The Wonderpets! and...I wish I never was. The songs get stuck in your head, and not in the fun way. But, along the trip I was introduced to a lot of new things, like Indian and Ethiopian food. I love trying new foods so that was an awesome experience.
We went to Seattle for a day and spent our time by the water, mostly at Pike's Market. I love it there. The small shops, the local flavor and culture is just so different than the life you see in Salt Lake City. I dropped a lot of money on clothes (poor Zack had to suffer while I shopped) and took in the atmosphere as much as I could. Needless to say, I think the decision to move to Seattle is a good one.
On Friday, we saw Eddie Izzard at the Paramount. Mapquest gave us wrong directions so we wond up walking a bit to the theater, but it was worth it! I love watching Eddie on tv and listening to his albums, but it's so much better to see him in person! He's incredibly funny and we had such good seats, we were ten rows back from the stage!
The Saturday before we left, Zack and I made our way to a little town called Forks, Washington. It was a nightmare. Well, the only nightmare was the town itself, the trip was fun. It took six hours to get there, we had to take a ferry, drive through small towns and forest, and it was beautiful along the way...until we reached Forks. Forks sucks. It's a town of trailer parks and double wides. Not only that, but there was not a cloud in the sky. Ridiculous. I've learned my lesson though, don't visit places in books. I'll never try to find Hogwarts now. On the way home, I told Zack what Twilight was all about and he felt so bad that my dream was shattered. To help my pain he drove 100 mph along the highway, like a Cullen. He's so sweet.
Since we felt like we wasted a day, we decided to leave the next day and spend one more day in Bellevue. It was nice, especially since his dad installed a new 58' HD tv. I feel like I have to squint at regular televisions now.
We left on Monday, determined to make it home by ten Salt Lake time. Alas, life had other plans. Outside North Powder, Oregon, the car broke down. The engine was making a terrible knock, so we limped to North Powder and waited for a tow truck. We were towed to Baker City to a mechanic where, after an hour and a half of wandering in Safeway and Rite Aid, we were told it was unfixable. Awesome. We spent some time trying to figure out what to do, and we decided to Greyhound it back to Salt Lake. We heaved all our luggage to the station (keep in mind we had to get everything we could out of the car) only to find the ticket booth had closed five minutes earlier. Dragging our luggage to the nearest motel, we crashed and spent the night there. We were told we could buy tickets from the bus driver in the morning if we paid in cash, so we tried that for the 6:30 bus. The bus driver slashed our dreams and told us he didn't sell the tickets, we could only buy from the ticket window, but that didn't open until 9:30. Once more, we dragged our stuff back to the motel, explained our situation to the woman at the desk and she let us have our room back until checkout, but then we'd have to talk to the manager if we wanted to keep it until seven, when the next bus was. While I was sleeping, Zack went over, bought tickets and talked to the manager (who wouldn't let us stay without paying for a whole night because she "had a business to run") and took care of everything. At 6:30 we, for a final time, trekked to the station, got on the bus--which was an hour late--and finally made our way home. It was icky and uncomfortable but hey, we lived.
After all of that, we decided we should go on The Amazing Race, because we never once got into an argument, got upset with each other or tore into each other. We're pretty much the perfect couple. And I had such a great time up there. Stay tuned for pictures.
Monday, June 30, 2008
My American Dream
My daily routine: I wake up about a half hour before I have to go to work. I go to the bathroom, I get dressed, I check my internet favorites in the same order every morning. I go to work. I do my work in the same order until lunch time. Then I eat a turkey sandwich with a bag of chips, a side of pasta salad, a cookie, and a diet coke. Then I work some more until 5. I leave work, go home, and spend my precious remaining hours of the day with either myself or my boyfriend. I go to bed at the same time every night and the cycle repeats the next day.
Is this what our human existence in America has become? I see the factory line everywhere. You’re born. You grow up through years of school. If you do well in school, you’re lucky to get a job where you do the same thing everyday, staring at the same wall or screen until you reach retirement. Even if you don’t do well in school, you still get a job repeating the same motions every day. Then retirement comes and you do nothing until the end…at least that seems to me what happens.
The American dream consists of repetitive motions. This isn’t my dream, why would my dream be staring at a computer screen, filing, and occasionally getting bitched at for something that wasn’t in my hands? That seems like a ridiculous dream. Capitalism is a fight that I don’t understand and I have no idea how to come out on top. It could be that I would just like success handed to me, but that doesn’t seem to be the way it works.
Work, work, work. I understand that some people like what they do, but they get some thread of creativity and action. What action can a desk hold? My life has become routine. It’s the exact opposite of what I wanted. Aren’t I creative? I feel my creativity being crushed with every invoice I fax, with every phone call with an ignorant customer, with every glance at the ceiling begging for 5 o’clock. Things…are becoming difficult.
I had a moment of weakness a few months ago. A moment of, heaven forbid, self thinking. Inspired by a movie, I nearly dropped everything and fled to Hawaii. I had no money, no plan, just the motivation to leave everything and be happy. I have a motto, “do what makes you happy.” Shouldn’t I follow my own advice? Certain things keep me grounded. My boyfriend, my work…the impressions and expectations other people have of me. I worry too much about other people’s expectations of me. I stay in school because it’s what they want. I keep my jobs because it’s what they want. Everyone wants to see me be successful in ways they weren’t.
But school and work and monotony are not my idea of success. My idea of success is happiness in whatever I do. I don’t really care if I don’t finish school. I’d be thrilled if I didn’t finish. If I lived fruitfully without a job, I’d be ecstatic. I want to live on a boat and trade and barter for my luxuries, I want to be somewhere tropical—away from the cold forever—and watch a sunset every night thinking I actually enjoyed my day. I want to fall asleep in my boyfriend’s arms, not thinking about what papers I’ll need to laminate tomorrow and wake up to the sound of waves, not beeps, and soak in free time.
I want to go to exotic lands and help people. I want to experience other cultures and the way others live. I don’t want to do it through some program that let’s me live in a house with amenities for a week while I help kids learn how to make boondoggles. I want to write successfully, I want to be an anthropologist—not a mass communications major. I want to be a vagabond. I want to learn on my own, I want stacks and stacks of books purchased of my own accord, teaching me things I want to know, not things I “need” to know. I want to learn languages, I want to learn histories, I want to learn philosophies without thriving to stick to my own. I want…freedom from everything.
I’ll continue to daydream at my desk until I work up the courage to drop everything and live freely, the way I want to.
