Monday, June 30, 2008

My American Dream

My daily routine: I wake up about a half hour before I have to go to work. I go to the bathroom, I get dressed, I check my internet favorites in the same order every morning. I go to work. I do my work in the same order until lunch time. Then I eat a turkey sandwich with a bag of chips, a side of pasta salad, a cookie, and a diet coke. Then I work some more until 5. I leave work, go home, and spend my precious remaining hours of the day with either myself or my boyfriend. I go to bed at the same time every night and the cycle repeats the next day.

Is this what our human existence in America has become? I see the factory line everywhere. You’re born. You grow up through years of school. If you do well in school, you’re lucky to get a job where you do the same thing everyday, staring at the same wall or screen until you reach retirement. Even if you don’t do well in school, you still get a job repeating the same motions every day. Then retirement comes and you do nothing until the end…at least that seems to me what happens.

The American dream consists of repetitive motions. This isn’t my dream, why would my dream be staring at a computer screen, filing, and occasionally getting bitched at for something that wasn’t in my hands? That seems like a ridiculous dream. Capitalism is a fight that I don’t understand and I have no idea how to come out on top. It could be that I would just like success handed to me, but that doesn’t seem to be the way it works.

Work, work, work. I understand that some people like what they do, but they get some thread of creativity and action. What action can a desk hold? My life has become routine. It’s the exact opposite of what I wanted. Aren’t I creative? I feel my creativity being crushed with every invoice I fax, with every phone call with an ignorant customer, with every glance at the ceiling begging for 5 o’clock. Things…are becoming difficult.

I had a moment of weakness a few months ago. A moment of, heaven forbid, self thinking. Inspired by a movie, I nearly dropped everything and fled to Hawaii. I had no money, no plan, just the motivation to leave everything and be happy. I have a motto, “do what makes you happy.” Shouldn’t I follow my own advice? Certain things keep me grounded. My boyfriend, my work…the impressions and expectations other people have of me. I worry too much about other people’s expectations of me. I stay in school because it’s what they want. I keep my jobs because it’s what they want. Everyone wants to see me be successful in ways they weren’t.

But school and work and monotony are not my idea of success. My idea of success is happiness in whatever I do. I don’t really care if I don’t finish school. I’d be thrilled if I didn’t finish. If I lived fruitfully without a job, I’d be ecstatic. I want to live on a boat and trade and barter for my luxuries, I want to be somewhere tropical—away from the cold forever—and watch a sunset every night thinking I actually enjoyed my day. I want to fall asleep in my boyfriend’s arms, not thinking about what papers I’ll need to laminate tomorrow and wake up to the sound of waves, not beeps, and soak in free time.

I want to go to exotic lands and help people. I want to experience other cultures and the way others live. I don’t want to do it through some program that let’s me live in a house with amenities for a week while I help kids learn how to make boondoggles. I want to write successfully, I want to be an anthropologist—not a mass communications major. I want to be a vagabond. I want to learn on my own, I want stacks and stacks of books purchased of my own accord, teaching me things I want to know, not things I “need” to know. I want to learn languages, I want to learn histories, I want to learn philosophies without thriving to stick to my own. I want…freedom from everything.

I’ll continue to daydream at my desk until I work up the courage to drop everything and live freely, the way I want to.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Hard Knocks

I'm going to buy a car when I get back from Seattle in two weeks. I have been looking online at used cars and I think I've settled on either a Honda Passport or an Isuzu Rodeo (keep in mind, these two cars are exactly the same). I'm so tired of getting rides to work. I'm tired of never being able to go anywhere on my own. I need a car so bad, I'm starting not to care about cost.

On a completely unrelated note...

Had I a choice, I wouldn't keep going to school. I don't like it. I don't enjoy it. I've been trying to transfer to the U of U so, if they'll have me, I might enjoy school. Let's hope I get into the U.

I'm watching Men In Black on tv right now. I looooove this movie. When I was younger, my mom made me an MIB birthday cake. It was awesome.

Monday, June 23, 2008

And I wonder...

I don't know why I'm so scared of everything. I'm afraid of putting myself out there and ultimately making a fool of myself I guess. I know when I DO do it, I love it, but before that...ugh. I don't get what the deal is.

Basically, I've been thinking a lot about my past and my future. My present, not so much. I'm just playing that by ear. But as for the other two...I guess past-wise I'm afraid I'm too late to make any changes. Which makes me afraid to try to change the way I am now. It's silly, but, it's who I am. I feel like I can't do anything about it. Future-wise, there are so many things I want to do but I don't know if I can. A lot of people want me to study abroad or at least go to Brazil like I was thinking about a few months ago. Now I don't know. It sounds like it would be something incredible but...why can't I do it?

I guess I worry about leaving things behind. I like things the way they are, why can't I ever put myself out there and just do it? Grr...'tis the curse of being nineteen and Rebecca Frost.
(I keep thinking I'm eighteen, is that weird and am I the only one who does that, other nineteen-year olds?)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Sacrificial Goat

I believe there comes a time when we must make sacrifices. Some are more difficult than others, some are common sense. Each choice has something in common, something is given up. We may not like it, but, it's life. And life isn't fair.

I made a decision this week that will ultimately delay the one goal I was holding so dear to me these past few months. Hawaii will have to wait. But not because of me. I made the choice after discovering that Hawaii doesn't have what I needed, what we needed. So, Seattle first.

It's the more logical choice, the simplest one, and what makes it an easy choice is I wasn't thinking about me. Probably the first time in my life I did something for the consideration of someone else.

Lookout sandwich, I'm on the fast track to committing to something else for once.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Maybe (A dramatic blog in one act)

I wonder if I set my sights too high. Maybe...things won't work out for me next year. After a conversation today, I started thinking maybe it's better to be practical and responsible rather than skip off to Hawaii like I planned to.

I'm just not so happy here and I wanted something to look forward to, I guess.

I'm exhausted, I've been working non-stop and I haven't had any real weekends. I only get to see Zack at night and I just can't handle it anymore. So this weekend I finally get a weekend and lookee loo, I'm probably stuck babysitting.

It'd be nice to take a year off school. It won't happen, though.

When's my break? When's my escape? I don't mean to sound dramatic tonight but...when can things finally go my way?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

A Great Adventure

(Quite possibly the only picture of us together in existence. And we both look hotter in real life.)
When he looks at me, I can't help but look anywhere else, my gaze locked on his. When he takes me by the hand, I feel secure and reassured. When he holds me close, I feel completely his. When he kisses me, my breath catches in my chest and I lose sight of everything else. I always have to remind myself to breathe.

Sorry, since Zack finally graduated, I feel more mature and like our relationship has taken a whole new step. Like stepping forward toward a more grown up life? I've completely stepped out of my childhood and teenage years and I'm finally moving toward adulthood. At least that's what it feels like. Have I gone through graduation twice? I wasn't even there for his but I'm at that point in my life again where I must ask the question, "what now?"

It's silly, really. Growing up is inevitable. I didn't necessarily enjoy my teenage years, but I'm terrified of really taking responsibility for life. Speaking of responsibility, I'm down to two jobs now. Soccer is over and I've quit the Beer Nut. Now it's Apple Spice for the summer and IHC when they need me. Working full time is tiresome, but the paychecks are amazing.

Thus, the saving for Seattle Road Trip 2008 begins.

A trailer hitch was dropped on my foot. It looked cooler a few days ago.